Airport Observations pt. 2

I realized that I left you in my last post somewhat unprepared. This is mostly due to the fact that things happen in airports that might be worth paying some attention to. So without further ado, here's part two (totally didn't plan to rhyme that...)

6. A man with a severely unkempt goatee will smile at you. Because this smile accompanied a wink, you guess he's saying something in his mind, like, "He's got a pretty mouth."
Wherever you are, this is what you should do...in order.
a. Look somewhere else
b. Create a diversion (pull a fire alarm, yell "fight!", or hijack one of those "beepie-take-you-where-you-need-to-get-faster-than-everyone-else-go-cart-jobbie-thingies." Some of you are thinking these are extreme measures, but would you rather be cornered by this slobbering fool?
c. Avoid bathrooms
d. Run away until you are out of eyeshot.
e. Keep an eye out for this dude. He may be just crazy enough to follow.

7. If you happen to find a Burger King, you'll stop and order some food (because the "Indy Double Whopper" is not good for you, but it's too good to pass up). When you finally get to order, you'll rattle off "Indy Double Whopper Meal Please" as fast as you can. Go ahead, say it to yourself. It's not easy. It doesn't roll off of the proverbial tongue. The cashier will ask you to say it again. You sigh out of fatigue, and make another attempt - this time successful. You pay for your food. They then hand you a receipt and a cup. Upon handing you your cup, you learn that there is no ice in the machine, but the drinks are still cold. You reply, "It's cool." Because you are NOT about to jeopardize your "Indy Whopper" future (yeah I shortened that crap). You prance over to the drink station, and to your astonishment, the person in front of you has a bountiful supply of ice spilling out of the machine - cubes falling to the ground, as they laugh it up, that they're taking the last bit of ice. Even though you want to stab this person in the jaw, you move on to fill your cup. You are able to get the last few cubes of ice out of the machine. And then, without warning, you realize that NONE of the carbonated beverages in this fountain machine work. Why wasn't this a warning??? Am I supposed to go without an iced, cold Dr. Pepper with my "IDW" (shortened it again...what's up)??? Again, you are NOT about to get in the way of your "Indy", so you go with the flow - fruit punch it is.

8. You'll need to use the restroom at some point. Now, this is tricky, because most people have carry-on luggage like backpacks, laptop cases, purses, small suitcases, etc. Whatever the case, none of these items must hit the floor.
DISCLAIMER: I realize that this publication is written from a male point-of-view. I apologize to those who are of the female persuasion reading this. The following may or may not apply to you, but if it does, please don't tell me. That would make for one, awkward conversation.
As you enter the bathroom, utilize any handles/straps on your carry-on luggage, so that your hands are free to navigate the terrain (if you're like me, you have a backpack laptop case. This is the way to go). As you walk in the doors, you'll see a group of urinals. They are not all options. You MUST pick the one farthest away from the next human being. If there are even options on either side of an individual, then I would suggest the cleanest. All bets are off, though, when an individual walks in and picks the urinal next to you (reminder: If it's the unkempt-beard-pretty-mouth guy, stop peeing and run. I know it will burn, but the consequences of finishing the race aren't worth it). This individual will probably "pull up" to the urinal, grunt (remember, you're in the men's bathroom), and unzip and start peeing. Sometimes, whistling will ensue.
WARNING: The following may not be suitable for children.
And then he takes a peak. And by peak, I don't mean, "I'd like to see what the sun looks like, so I'll glance and then look away as to not burn my retinas." It's more like "I like what I'm seeing so I'm going to take a gander." In this situation, some react peacefully, as if to let him finish his man-spotting and go on with their life. If you're like me, you'll get very uncomfortable, turn the opposite direction (not too far, the others might see you), and increase the flow, so as to finish quickly. As you walk out, you ponder the possibility of washing the hands. Skip it. There are other restrooms with less creepy people inside.

9. If you're flying by yourself, you'll no doubt sit next to a stranger. In my case, you'll sit next to a strange stranger. In this case, I was the last person on the plane, and had only one choice of seat (my seat was taken because of some pre-flight seat-jumping activity). Lucky for me, I get the seat next to the one grown adult holding a teddy bear. The most probable case is that this person has just escaped "the looney bin" and you should, under no circumstance, talk to this person. In the case that this person talks to you first, you still must offer no response. This is only for your health. I've seen Halloween. I know what escapees do.

10. There is a man at Starbucks, pounding at the keys, blogging about his experiences at the airport. His name is Mark, and is dashing. He sports a tie, in the hopes that he might be bumped up to first class. Walk up to him, and hand him some money out of your wallet. It will make his day :).

Safe travels ladies and gentlemen.