I realized that I left you in my last post somewhat unprepared. This is mostly due to the fact that things happen in airports that might be worth paying some attention to. So without further ado, here's part two (totally didn't plan to rhyme that...)
6. A man with a severely unkempt goatee will smile at you. Because this smile accompanied a wink, you guess he's saying something in his mind, like, "He's got a pretty mouth."
Wherever you are, this is what you should do...in order.
a. Look somewhere else
b. Create a diversion (pull a fire alarm, yell "fight!", or hijack one of those "beepie-take-you-where-you-need-to-get-faster-than-everyone-else-go-cart-jobbie-thingies." Some of you are thinking these are extreme measures, but would you rather be cornered by this slobbering fool?
c. Avoid bathrooms
d. Run away until you are out of eyeshot.
e. Keep an eye out for this dude. He may be just crazy enough to follow.
7. If you happen to find a Burger King, you'll stop and order some food (because the "Indy Double Whopper" is not good for you, but it's too good to pass up). When you finally get to order, you'll rattle off "Indy Double Whopper Meal Please" as fast as you can. Go ahead, say it to yourself. It's not easy. It doesn't roll off of the proverbial tongue. The cashier will ask you to say it again. You sigh out of fatigue, and make another attempt - this time successful. You pay for your food. They then hand you a receipt and a cup. Upon handing you your cup, you learn that there is no ice in the machine, but the drinks are still cold. You reply, "It's cool." Because you are NOT about to jeopardize your "Indy Whopper" future (yeah I shortened that crap). You prance over to the drink station, and to your astonishment, the person in front of you has a bountiful supply of ice spilling out of the machine - cubes falling to the ground, as they laugh it up, that they're taking the last bit of ice. Even though you want to stab this person in the jaw, you move on to fill your cup. You are able to get the last few cubes of ice out of the machine. And then, without warning, you realize that NONE of the carbonated beverages in this fountain machine work. Why wasn't this a warning??? Am I supposed to go without an iced, cold Dr. Pepper with my "IDW" (shortened it again...what's up)??? Again, you are NOT about to get in the way of your "Indy", so you go with the flow - fruit punch it is.
8. You'll need to use the restroom at some point. Now, this is tricky, because most people have carry-on luggage like backpacks, laptop cases, purses, small suitcases, etc. Whatever the case, none of these items must hit the floor.
DISCLAIMER: I realize that this publication is written from a male point-of-view. I apologize to those who are of the female persuasion reading this. The following may or may not apply to you, but if it does, please don't tell me. That would make for one, awkward conversation.
As you enter the bathroom, utilize any handles/straps on your carry-on luggage, so that your hands are free to navigate the terrain (if you're like me, you have a backpack laptop case. This is the way to go). As you walk in the doors, you'll see a group of urinals. They are not all options. You MUST pick the one farthest away from the next human being. If there are even options on either side of an individual, then I would suggest the cleanest. All bets are off, though, when an individual walks in and picks the urinal next to you (reminder: If it's the unkempt-beard-pretty-mouth guy, stop peeing and run. I know it will burn, but the consequences of finishing the race aren't worth it). This individual will probably "pull up" to the urinal, grunt (remember, you're in the men's bathroom), and unzip and start peeing. Sometimes, whistling will ensue.
WARNING: The following may not be suitable for children.
And then he takes a peak. And by peak, I don't mean, "I'd like to see what the sun looks like, so I'll glance and then look away as to not burn my retinas." It's more like "I like what I'm seeing so I'm going to take a gander." In this situation, some react peacefully, as if to let him finish his man-spotting and go on with their life. If you're like me, you'll get very uncomfortable, turn the opposite direction (not too far, the others might see you), and increase the flow, so as to finish quickly. As you walk out, you ponder the possibility of washing the hands. Skip it. There are other restrooms with less creepy people inside.
9. If you're flying by yourself, you'll no doubt sit next to a stranger. In my case, you'll sit next to a strange stranger. In this case, I was the last person on the plane, and had only one choice of seat (my seat was taken because of some pre-flight seat-jumping activity). Lucky for me, I get the seat next to the one grown adult holding a teddy bear. The most probable case is that this person has just escaped "the looney bin" and you should, under no circumstance, talk to this person. In the case that this person talks to you first, you still must offer no response. This is only for your health. I've seen Halloween. I know what escapees do.
10. There is a man at Starbucks, pounding at the keys, blogging about his experiences at the airport. His name is Mark, and is dashing. He sports a tie, in the hopes that he might be bumped up to first class. Walk up to him, and hand him some money out of your wallet. It will make his day :).
Safe travels ladies and gentlemen.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
Airport Observations
When flying anywhere, there are a few phenomena that take place in most any airport. I'd like to take the next few minutes to list them in no discernable order or category.
1. There will be a man walking in your "personal space." This man will whistle in the general direction of your ears. Slow down and let him pass. If he's whistling, there's a good chance he's a brisk walker.
2. In order for people to get places faster, the larger airports have installed what are called, "Moving Sidewalks." I prefer the term, "horizontal escalator" or even the ever-popular, "slidie-thingie-that-gets-you-there-quicker-jobbie." They made this for people trying to get somewhere fast, such as people catching a connecting flight. These were not made for fat, lazy old men to stand and talk on the telephone while leaning on the handrail. If such a thing should occur, jab him with the sharpest object readily available. And remember, he won't chase you, because he's fat and lazy.
3. There will be a man with a beard that would make ZZ Top stare. He's walking with a backpack that looks like it was on a Forrest Gump-like journey. Hanging from this satchel are a cross and a rabbits foot on the same keychain. The untrained eye may infer that this is a man of faith. Rather, he is a man hanging on for every last bit of luck, religion, and/or superstition. This is a man who's been through the crapper and back, and has most likely had numerous struggles in his life. If he looks like he's boarding your plane, change your flight. No questions...just do it.
4. As you're waiting to board your plane, you sit and type on your laptop (if you're like me), but you hear a faint rhythmic beeping down the hall. It gets closer...and still yet closer. It is a the golf-cart-thingie that is used to take people from place to place. There's a woman on the back who has an inordinant amount of hair. Don't tell her the tire might run over it. Rather, watch intently, because if her hair catches in that tire, you're going to want to be present.
5. If you're in the southern states, you may smell the heavenly smell of barbecue from the local restaurants in the terminal. You'll stop, ponder, and eventually succomb to the slithery goodness of North Carolina style barbecue. You stand in line, awaiting your cullinary pleasure which sits in front of you. And then, without notice, the man in front of you orders the last bit of macaroni and cheese. THE LAST BIT...OF MACARONI...AND CHEESE! This means they're out, and you're left with only two choices for sides. Walk away. WALK AWAY I TELL YOU! The green beans are awful, and are not worth your $10. I speak from experience.
These axioms of aviary travel may help you in your journeys to come. I bid you bon voyage!
1. There will be a man walking in your "personal space." This man will whistle in the general direction of your ears. Slow down and let him pass. If he's whistling, there's a good chance he's a brisk walker.
2. In order for people to get places faster, the larger airports have installed what are called, "Moving Sidewalks." I prefer the term, "horizontal escalator" or even the ever-popular, "slidie-thingie-that-gets-you-there-quicker-jobbie." They made this for people trying to get somewhere fast, such as people catching a connecting flight. These were not made for fat, lazy old men to stand and talk on the telephone while leaning on the handrail. If such a thing should occur, jab him with the sharpest object readily available. And remember, he won't chase you, because he's fat and lazy.
3. There will be a man with a beard that would make ZZ Top stare. He's walking with a backpack that looks like it was on a Forrest Gump-like journey. Hanging from this satchel are a cross and a rabbits foot on the same keychain. The untrained eye may infer that this is a man of faith. Rather, he is a man hanging on for every last bit of luck, religion, and/or superstition. This is a man who's been through the crapper and back, and has most likely had numerous struggles in his life. If he looks like he's boarding your plane, change your flight. No questions...just do it.
4. As you're waiting to board your plane, you sit and type on your laptop (if you're like me), but you hear a faint rhythmic beeping down the hall. It gets closer...and still yet closer. It is a the golf-cart-thingie that is used to take people from place to place. There's a woman on the back who has an inordinant amount of hair. Don't tell her the tire might run over it. Rather, watch intently, because if her hair catches in that tire, you're going to want to be present.
5. If you're in the southern states, you may smell the heavenly smell of barbecue from the local restaurants in the terminal. You'll stop, ponder, and eventually succomb to the slithery goodness of North Carolina style barbecue. You stand in line, awaiting your cullinary pleasure which sits in front of you. And then, without notice, the man in front of you orders the last bit of macaroni and cheese. THE LAST BIT...OF MACARONI...AND CHEESE! This means they're out, and you're left with only two choices for sides. Walk away. WALK AWAY I TELL YOU! The green beans are awful, and are not worth your $10. I speak from experience.
These axioms of aviary travel may help you in your journeys to come. I bid you bon voyage!
Monday, June 2, 2008
Pray.
This past Sunday morning, our lead pastor asked for prayer. When anyone asks for prayer, it's appropriate to pray (obviously). But when one of our leaders struggles and needs help and support, I think it's crucial that we support him with our prayers.
So pray. Pray for his family's health. Pray for his family's peace. Pray for his leadership. Pray for our church.
Let's bathe him so much in prayer that he feels such an over-whelming peace that he knows it's heavenly, and not just a passing moment.
I think it's all we can do for the man who followed his vision for Indian Springs Baptist Church.
Pray.
So pray. Pray for his family's health. Pray for his family's peace. Pray for his leadership. Pray for our church.
Let's bathe him so much in prayer that he feels such an over-whelming peace that he knows it's heavenly, and not just a passing moment.
I think it's all we can do for the man who followed his vision for Indian Springs Baptist Church.
Pray.
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