Airport Observations

When flying anywhere, there are a few phenomena that take place in most any airport. I'd like to take the next few minutes to list them in no discernable order or category.

1. There will be a man walking in your "personal space." This man will whistle in the general direction of your ears. Slow down and let him pass. If he's whistling, there's a good chance he's a brisk walker.

2. In order for people to get places faster, the larger airports have installed what are called, "Moving Sidewalks." I prefer the term, "horizontal escalator" or even the ever-popular, "slidie-thingie-that-gets-you-there-quicker-jobbie." They made this for people trying to get somewhere fast, such as people catching a connecting flight. These were not made for fat, lazy old men to stand and talk on the telephone while leaning on the handrail. If such a thing should occur, jab him with the sharpest object readily available. And remember, he won't chase you, because he's fat and lazy.

3. There will be a man with a beard that would make ZZ Top stare. He's walking with a backpack that looks like it was on a Forrest Gump-like journey. Hanging from this satchel are a cross and a rabbits foot on the same keychain. The untrained eye may infer that this is a man of faith. Rather, he is a man hanging on for every last bit of luck, religion, and/or superstition. This is a man who's been through the crapper and back, and has most likely had numerous struggles in his life. If he looks like he's boarding your plane, change your flight. No questions...just do it.

4. As you're waiting to board your plane, you sit and type on your laptop (if you're like me), but you hear a faint rhythmic beeping down the hall. It gets closer...and still yet closer. It is a the golf-cart-thingie that is used to take people from place to place. There's a woman on the back who has an inordinant amount of hair. Don't tell her the tire might run over it. Rather, watch intently, because if her hair catches in that tire, you're going to want to be present.

5. If you're in the southern states, you may smell the heavenly smell of barbecue from the local restaurants in the terminal. You'll stop, ponder, and eventually succomb to the slithery goodness of North Carolina style barbecue. You stand in line, awaiting your cullinary pleasure which sits in front of you. And then, without notice, the man in front of you orders the last bit of macaroni and cheese. THE LAST BIT...OF MACARONI...AND CHEESE! This means they're out, and you're left with only two choices for sides. Walk away. WALK AWAY I TELL YOU! The green beans are awful, and are not worth your $10. I speak from experience.

These axioms of aviary travel may help you in your journeys to come. I bid you bon voyage!